This Is Kye-Rectory

Alright..inanely, needing to cast away my boredom, i head down to my ‘the place’, KLCC all by myself. With my boyfriend busy as always and my other friends engaged to other stuff (thank you very much guys), I had to soothed myself watching people around me having so much fun together while I, pathetically, making my way as a sole individual. It’s not that being alone is a big deal. In fact, I love being alone and doing my walks all by myself since it helps me to get back together to myself. But, the difference was, it was SATURDAY! Saturday = free = hangout = frens/loved ones! But, hell, seemed like I was the one who was ‘free’ (though my Anatomy and Biochemistry notes and reports begged to be completed!) and wandered aimlessly around - alone. Did i mention alone?

Alright then, as if being alone wasn’t pathetic enough, I decided to watch a movie there (despite the snake-y long queue) by myself! Alright, that was like the absolute super-duper god-almighty pathetic of me to watch a movie without any other companion beside me. But, who cared at that time? I didn’t because I was bloody bored.

So, off I went to catch a movie entitled ‘The Lake House’ played by the brilliant Sandra Bullock and the, err, stick Keanu Reeves. I thought it was going to be another sloppy romantic movie but I insisted on watching it and flushing down my eleven bucks on this one since the caption is so entriguing (’How do you hold on to someone you have never met?’) Hoho..that did all the justice and so I marched inside the cinema.

Surprisingly, it took a lot of thinking and many questions were rised in the movie. Okay, basically, the story began with a woman, Kate, a doctorm, who moved out of her lake house to Chicago, since she was offerred a job there. Before she left the house, she left a letter in the mail box dedicated to the next-future tenant of the lovely lake house, who apparently was Alex, played by stick-Reeves. Somehow, they kept in touch via the mailbox since whenever she came back to the house, she would check on her mails and subsequently, Alex would leave her messages there too. Predicted, love blossomed. But it turned out as the movie progressed, Alex was living in 2004 while Kate was living in 2006 and their only connection was the sorta-magic mailbox. Your typical love flick? Not really.

In how I interpret it, it arises lots of questions that evolves around our daily lives. As the tagline suggested, how can we hold on to someone we have never met, yet the heart is full of endevors and utmost love. Fairy tale? Not really i believe. As the movie ends with Kate and Alex finally got to meet each other, it really put a big question mark on our forehead - how far do we manage to go or how long do we manage to wait for our love? How strong can we survive the adversities around? What does it take to win the love? Will it succeed? The movie is simple, yes, yet very complicating and welcomed us to question ourselves with this.

As I walked out of the cinema with red eyes (kinda weak at such compelling stories, haha), I questioned myself all of these. I doubt if the love I’m fighting for everyday, to earn its most remarkable place in my life and among the people, is worth fighting for? I doubt if i had done anything sufficient for it? Or can i manage to wait so prudently and being lovable and loving ardently to the ONLY ONE man, everytime for the rest of my life? Is what I’m doing can be considered a true love, or just a plain mocking interpretation of a posh romance in order to gain respect? Or should I do better?

I think I have the answers..bottom line, go and watch ‘The Lake House’. If you explore the movie, rather than just plain-enjoying it, you would tremendously appreciate it.

have you ever dreamt of owning someone?

have you ever dreamt of that someone being all perfect to you?

with his silky straight hair out of the blue?

beutiful complexion that dimmed by the moonlight?

or the serene smile that drifts all your problems away in a fight?

have you ever think of meeting him?

or do you believe in serendipity?

have you ever think of bumping into him?

while cruising in milan city?

sight-seeing in paris gaily?

or simply while wandering in klcc?

have you ever think of the chemistry?

have you ever ponder on the similarities of you and him?

have you ever hold his hand?

or touch his skin?

or kiss his lips?

have you ever dream of realising it?

fantasising it? or do you just have plan for it?

have you ever think of the gladness he brought?

have you ever count on the sorrow he corked?

or do you simply dont bother?

or are you afraid of imperfection?

nevertheless,

have you ever think of one fateful day?

or one impromptu time?

when he turns his back on you?

when he call names on you?

when he praise everyone but you?

when he took his life of you?

when he turns sour on you?

and leave no air to breathe for you?

and do nothing when the chagrin chokes you?

or will he help you when you are down?

push you back against all those clowns?

will he laugh when he sees your frown?

or simply, will he come here vividly?

will he hold out his hand in agility?

will he kill all of his enomousity?

will he drive here and hug me tightly?

or will he wait for me ardently?

wait for me in klcc hopefully?

will he persevere our love prudently?

will he come back and say ‘I’m sorry’?

but,

will he be bold enough to do all these?

and,

will he take what’s left of me?

Library,

Faculty of Dentistry,

University of Malaya, Kuala Lumpur

August 1, 2006 12.12p.m.

last wednesday of july 19 2006, i had to let my dear friend, megat go to pursue his dreams… yeah, i was happy and totally glad for him.. he got a chance to pursue medicine in ums and i know he couldnt be happier than that. true, as glad as i was for him, there was still a big room inside of me feeling hard to let him go. things would be different right now on, i was well inform. he would be much, much away from us here and, undeniably, he would be missed tremendously.

he wished for my pumpkin and my presence there in KLIA the time he would board the plane. unhesitatingly, i agreed on that as i know, that was the least thing for both of us to do for him. besides, ezzuandee and i have a very soft spot on dear megat since he was very caring, understanding and a great. great friend i would say to me especially. to my surprise, ezzuandee managed to squeeze some time of his hectic schedule for us to be there in KLIA for megat.

there we were. trapped in traffic jam in the middle of federal highway and, i swear, only LORD knew how hard my heart beat at that very time. ezzuandee’s take that we couldnt be able to be there by 8pm didnt help much in stirring away the pounding. what annoyed me very much was the time he chose to board the plane. 8pm? his flight was schedule at 8.45pm. according to my know-it-all ezzuandee, only 10 minutes were required for them to be ready for the plane. why he chose to board so early?

anyway, i didnt have the answer but, thank god, i managed to delay his flight by 15 minutes after resonating what ezzuandee had said to me earlier. the speed of the car seemed so slow despite he had been driving not less than 130-140 km per hour. at that moment of time, i looked at his face and i saw what i had never seen before or what i had neglected before - his sincerity. i saw how he tried so hard to be in KLIA on time for me, to fulfill my wish upon him. how i had seen the tremendous effort that he put on us. another sweet thing, he suggested that we wore the same t-shirt that we bought earlier that day. how sweet my baby is…wink..

what i thought was left in despair, was not anywhere close. i managed to get a glimpse of megat after he checked in and thankfully, he turned around and came to get me. darn…i still remember vividly how tears flow down of our cheeks as we embraced each other before finally letting him go. then, i turned around to izzah and comforted her in my embrace while understanding her pain letting her boyfriend go for something good.

all of all, KLIA thought me very much. all the sudden, the whole experience was like a tight slap to my face. i was awaken. i looked around and i learned to appreciate more of the people around me. i learned not to take people who loved me and whom i loved for granted. i learned to take every minute and every chance that i have with the people who i loved to the fullest. i learned to love ezzuandee - in the most appropriate connotation. i learned to cherish megat, izzah, farhanah (who were all there at that night) and to always do so for they have always been around me through thick and thin.

i learned so much that very night. not everyone knows what i felt because in their eyes, i was all just a simple occasion - sending my friend to board a plane since he was going to study abroad. true.. but there was more to it. there was a lot more to it that couldnt be seen in ordinary eyes. so, people, take notice of everyone around you. tell them that you loved them and let them know how much they meant for you.

for you, my pumpkin, forgive me for taking you for granted of all these times. i know, time makes us wiser and i can proudly say that im a whole better person - for you and for everyone else that loves me. i thank god for your presence in my life and i want nothing in return than your love for me.

‘Everyone out there, dont you ever take anybody for granted. because you dont know when you might lose them. And you might not have the chance to tell them how you really feel’
-Mariah Carey in ‘Never Too Far’ (from the movie ‘Glitter’)

alright..here i go again. it’s either i was the one who kept on screwing things up or the things around me just were’nt right. in a glimpse of an eye, i was left alone to justify a certain decision regarding my future. i got dentistry!

yeah, first run, it didnt hear as a bad thing. after all, it really wasnt a bad thing - great, in fact. there’s only 200 sumthing students who were accepted to dentistry this year and i was one of it. but, it really gave me a pain in the arse when i came to know that all of my good friends and my acquaintances back in pasum got medicine as the course offerred to them.slowly, it gaves me a tremendous pain in the arse (balls, lungs, head, everywhere on my body too) when my head started to put a silly question to myself - why not me???!!!

see, everyone got it! at least, everyone that i know scored 4.0 that is. everyone got medicine , but me!! oh my lord…! holy mackerel! and boy, was i feeling down! all the thoughts of me and my good friends going to the same faculty and to study together that occupied my brain for the past a year, had gone down the drain and the toilet. reluctantly, i throw away all of those beautiful dreams in the heavy downpour that showered taiping that day and boldly, i promised myself to be tougher and bold facing any coming mishaps soon. that was already a bad omen itself to me.

just when i thought ‘okay, so i didnt get medicine like them’ , sumthing else hit me. i didnt get same residential college as them too. crap! this is bullshit with a capital B! i never knew that shit comes in a package of two! damn it! but then.. i realized that i had been thru the same old story before when nobody from my school didnt get to study in pasum but me. i thought im gonna be so lonely but hell, i was wrong. i was blessed to have more great friends like farhanah, megat, mell, nurul, hani, azira, xu and others (sorry for not mentioning all but you know who you are). so, i believed that i might be wrong again this time. hopefully, i am.winks.

after all, dentistry isnt that bad after all.in fact,it isnt bad at all! and it’s a very unwise to compare it to medicine or any other field in fact since all are in the league of their own. my previous vice chancellor was a dentistry student too. hey, it isnt bad. now, god has given me the ultimate revelation and its up to me to put myself in the centre of selfish disdain but for good or to put objection against my own remarks of judgment. pray…   

u know..sometimes there r people who like to make things hard..they take simple little things n turn it around n walla…they make it mo complicated… u know, it sucks to be in this situation..it really is..

speaking for myself, it really sucks when people that u loved with all your heart n soul (n lungs…) turn out to treat you like some sick moron monster… u make it easy-love him, adore him, treat him nice, call him by endearment terms, let he knows that u love him…everything! but in return, you get nothing but a bag full of shit nestling in ur heart n soul (n lungs…) he mkes things complicated with you… he gives u reasonable doubts for you to ponder alone in your room with all poignancies killing you from the inside..

it sucks okay…ive been there on and off.. it really sucks… although he told you all the things that you need to know, but you still feel like there’s something missing from the story..something that doesnt add up.. something that gives you a reason to feel insecure n vulnerable.. it really sucks to be in this stage..

i just wanna move on..my dearest pumpkin, i want an easy life..a simple life where only you, my family n me only exist… and theres god of course. i just want you to love me and i to love you dearly..its that yoo much too ask? hear my cry baby and stop killing me with ur silence..it tortured me to death coz i couldnt find any other way to quit you than to keep  on devouring you inside me for only you  that ill love for the rest of my life..

my honey, quit giving me reasonable doubts and take my hands again. i want you to just take my hand and say..

‘everything’s okay honey’

bloody hell..three more weeks n im sitting for my exam n im off from here. what begun like a bitter-journey has left me nothing but pain-in-the-ass to know that im going to separate from my fellow frens here in UM n (maybe)not being able to meet them again, or as close as we are now.. we r gonna be scatterin aroun.. who studies where n this who studies there…we wont be a family like what we are now..sorta..

gonna miss them all! esp my close frens here! FARHANA, MEGAT & NURUL NADIAH..u’ve been the earliest pals i’ve gotten here. its been a really sinful pleasure to know, to love, to share the ups and downs and to be bonded like brothers n sisters here in UM. how much im gonna miss you all! you guys know me, accept me the way i am rather than deserting me as a freak, u guys hold me up and never let me down.. always cheer me up when problems struck. you guys r my senses here.. life here in UM would be so much different without ur presence.. i thank you for all the love n support..

to my tutorial mates, N1 and fellow N2, you guys brings out the best in studying. u guys defined the meaning ’study+fun=fanta-bulous’ i love you guys! AZIRA, AYU, INTAN SURAYA, NURUL INTAN, LYNN, MYA, YUN n others! juz mentioning a few…no offense ya people!

to MILANI, you know me and share my probs.we’ve been thru thick n thin together n u nvr let me down.always understood me n luv me no matter what. i love you fort that! allowing me to stay in ur crib when takde air in UM..u’r one true fren..

to HANI, u rock! i dun have any regret in my life but if i hav to mention one, itll be of not able to know u earlier coz ur one marvelous people here that i know! ur wit, ur humor, ur craziness n ur ‘whatever’ness keeps me high with unstoppable laugh!! u rock gal. i’ll never want to lose a great fren like you. whatever people will say about you, ill stand firm behind, beside, under you or wherever u want me to stand! hehehhee…

to SYUKRI EFFENDI, i dont know how to put what i say into words. knowing you is a real pleasure n only if i got to know you earlier, things would be different i guess. my actions to you speak louder than my big mouth..god bless you

to those i havent mention, ill update this blog soon. N U GUYS CONTRIBUTE TO IT K! LOVE YA!

~kYe out~